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Getting Better
Chapter I: The Three Ds of Adult Life
Iggy says he’s worried about me.
And I have to admit, he might have a right to be.
Two weeks ago, Max and I had a fight- not out of the normal. But,then I threw myself out the window, what the doctors
called a “suicide attempt”. They say they’re worried about what I might do, they say I should
start talking to someone. But I don’t want to. I’m not crazy, I just have a bad marriage. Most people
do.
Now, Max wants a divorce from this bad marriage. But I don’t blame her, I’ve been wanting to file
for months. Years even. I never thought she’d file though, it always seemed like she’d been more willing
to give it a shot than me.
But, it’s not like I’m complaining. Really. I couldn’t care less if she divorced me. Doesn’t
matter at all.
I just don’t care anymore.
Iggy says he doesn’t believe me.
I told him to shut up.
Iggy says he wants to move closer.
I shrugged, then I realized we were on the phone, and I told him that would be okay.
He says he’ll call me tomorrow and tell me what happens.
I say good bye and hang up.
I pick up a glass of rum and coke and drag myself into our bedroom. Her bedroom. These days I sleep on the couch, not
‘cause she kicked me out, but because I didn’t want to sleep there anymore. She’d decorated
the room, all her stuff was in there, it wasn’t mine, never was and never will be. And as for sex? I’ve
got my hand.
I take a small orange bottle out of my pocket, lithium. It’s what the doctors prescribed to go with my Zoloft
after the fall.
Cause it wasn’t a suicide attempt, it was a fall.
I tell myself I need to stop thinking about it, just take my pills and then a nap.
So I pop open the lid and pour a small pile of white into my palm. I put two in my mouth and wash it down with rum and
coke. More rum than anything. Actually, it’s pretty much just rum. And some vodka. Rum and vodka.
I lay down on the bed, more like collapse onto it. I want to sleep, I want to sleep for a long, long time, and maybe not
even wake up. Because when I do, Max’ll be there. And she’ll have the papers, and I’ll have
to sign them cause I want to get out of this damn hell hole. But then I’ll have to drink, because otherwise I’ll
never get back to sleep, and then I’ll have to take more pills and-
I take a deep breath, realizing I’ve gone completely overboard.
But I also realize how sad it is. The three Ds are not in fact, determination, drive and desire. (Or something like that.)
But actually are drinking, depression and divorce. If sleeping started with a D, then there’d be four. Or if I had
a thesaurus.
And let's face it, that's just plain sad.
Chapter II: Inhuman and Irrational
Max brought home the papers today.
I signed them, just like she asked.
She wants me to move out, she says she paid for most of the house anyways.
I know she’s right, but I didn’t say that.
Iggy called, but Max got the phone first, and she took it into her bedroom and they talked for nearly an hour. Actually,
fifty-seven minutes and nineteen seconds. I counted. I even started to play a drinking game. Every time she checked to see
if the door was closed, I took a shot. I got drunk pretty fast.
She says I drink too much.
I told her she talks too much.
She handed me the phone, and walked away.
Now Iggy wants me to move in with him.
I think I want to too. The house isn’t mine anymore, it’s hers. I tell him so.
He laughs awkwardly, then asks me when I can.
I tell him maybe this weekend.
He says that would be good.
I say hmm, and he says the same.
We say goodbye and hang up.
I’m starting to think Iggy’s my mother. Probably better than my mother was, probably better than she
is. Iggy would make a good mother, really. If he wasn’t a dude. But he’s too nice to be a dad. Maybe he
takes hormones and I just don’t know it.
No, that’s irrational.
That’s the word the doctors used. They say I have irrational though patterns. I told them I thought so too.
But inside I wonder if they’re just telling me that so they can go to sleep at night. I think so.
No, that’s irrational too.
Max likes to tell me how irrational I am. She has another word too, inhuman. She likes that word a lot. That and the name
“Mike”.
She’s always talking about her boss. The principal at her school. Mike. She talks to him on the phone a lot
too. I think she’s having an affair.
But I can hear her voice in my head. That’s irrational. I’m being inhuman.
I take a shot, she’s talking to Mike again, and she just checked the door.
You know what? Fuck her.
Chapter III: When Angels Die
Max just left. I think she went with Mike. And I’m not being irrational either. She left right after he called.
Well, no. First, she locked herself in the bathroom for fifteen minutes, sixteen seconds. When she came out, she’d
curled her hair, put on a dress and done her makeup. She never does that for me. So, why would she do it now?
She said goodbye, but no “I Love You”.
I think I want a drink.
And Iggy.
Mostly Iggy.
And I drank all the alcohol, so I call him.
He picks up on the first ring.
He asks what’s wrong before I even say anything.
I sigh, and tell him it’s Max.
He sighs and asks me why I don’t move in with him today.
I tell him... I tell him there is no reason why not.
He says Alice can drive him over now. I don’t know who Alice is, but I don’t like her.
So I tell him I can drive myself.
He sighs and asks why I’m so stubborn.
I sigh and tell him I’ll be there in half an hour.
I tell him I love him and hang up before he can say anything else.
I don’t know why I said that, but I did. Maybe to make up for Max not saying it, or for me not saying it to
her. But either way, I said it, and I think I meant it. Well, otherwise I probably wouldn’t have said it. Then again,
I’ve told Max I loved her and not meant it.
It’s now I realize I’m being irrational.
So I calm myself down, get dressed, grab my wallet and get in the car. Before I start the car, I take a deep breath, and
I ask myself if I really want to do this. Then I realize that I do. I want to move in with Iggy, and out with Max.
I laugh to myself as I make a right turn, ‘cause I’m starting to think I’m in love with
Iggy. Yeah, right.
Chapter IV: Breaking Through
I don’t think I can drive now.
I’ve had more glasses of beer than I can count, and people are starting to stare. Especially the bartender,
he looks like he’s worried about me. In fact, I can see that he looks really worried as he walks over to clear my
last glass. He asks if I have a ride home.
I smile and nod, even though I don’t. I figure I can call Max and she’ll take me home. ‘Cause
she does that a lot, picking me up when I’m too smashed to drive. Then again... maybe she won’t. Maybe
she’s out with Mike and she doesn’t want to be bothered by me and our failed marriage.
And then, I tense up, ‘cause I hear her voice right behind me, and she’s laughing, like she’s
really happy.
I turn around, and I see her. Her and Mike. They’re talking and laughing while they wait to be seated. And I
feel jealous. Even if we don’t love each other, even if we’re getting a divorce, Max is still my wife.
Of course, I can’t say that. Because she’s out with Mike. And if I do, we’ll have to leave together,
seeing as we’re married. Then we’ll have to talk about this later, and I’ll have to drink. And
I don’t want to anymore.
I don’t want to do anything anymore.
But when I cough, she does see me. We lock eyes, and she turns away and taps Mike on the shoulder. She whispers in his
ear, and they leave. Together. It’s like I don’t even exist. Like I’m not even real.
And then, I want to cry. Cause my own wife doesn’t want me.
But I don’t want her either.
I look at the bartender, but he gives me a hard look. Which I guess means he doesn’t want to give me anymore
beer. So I look away. And I stand up, wobbling just a little bit. Despite the fact I’m piss drunk, I’m
really proud of myself. Because I know how to hold my alcohol and my feelings in the worst of times.
I stumble over to the pay phones and I dial Iggy’s number. Collect.
He picks up halfway through the first ring.
He asks what went wrong, and then I remember I was suppose to come to his apartment. Fuck.
I want to say I’m sorry, but instead I tell him about Max. And the drinking. And about Mike. And I start crying,
because she doesn’t want me, and I don’t want me, and no one wants me. But I’m being irrational
again... aren’t I?
He tells me to calm down, asks me where I am.
I tell him, and he says something to someone on the other line. I hear a female voice, and I think it’s Alice.
Who I already don’t like.
He says he’ll be there in ten minutes, he tells me to stay where I am.
He says he loves me, and he hangs up.
And I sit there, and I cry.
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